No, I’m Good

Proverbs 1:5 Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.

I firmly believe that learning and the application of knowledge is a constant necessity in life. Proverbs is filled with sayings about wisdom, knowledge and learning. Timothy was encouraged by Paul to continue to learn. 2 Timothy 2:15. Even the prophet Hosea declared that God’s people are destroyed because of a lack of knowledge. Not just knowledge of God, but knowledge in general!

While I was on a recent social media site, I had commented on an acquaintance’s post about improving and increasing in knowledge and how easy it is to obtain knowledge with all the information available on the internet. I was surprised by this response:

“No, I’m good. I know all I need to know.”

That response just floored me. I think I was surprised because we share similar interests and I thought similar goals, and we may still, but the idea of not wanting to increase in knowledge and apply it was shocking, to say the least.

On occasion, I have come across people who have resisted my insistence that they should learn new ideas and thought processes. I have become frustrated at trying to convince people to see something in a different light. I’m a bit stubborn myself and felt for a long time that it was my job to persuade, convince, and sell people on changing themselves. Anyone else who has shared this crusade knows how easily discouraged and frustrated someone can get. I’ve berated friends, bible beat verses into my fellow believers and stood on the edges of ponds, just to prove a point, and God has put up with my pride, my anger, and my own stubbornness in trying to convince others.

It took me a while to change, but I learned a few things.

I can’t change myself.

No amount of will, self determination, or sheer strength can I live the gospel or live a godly life. I have an incredible sense of self and self will. When I want to, I can present myself to appear to be running for the Lord, and I even thought for a while that I was, because I was doing so much in my own strength. It wasn’t until that I got to the end of the rope, and there was a lot of it, that all the struggles and things I had dealt with and wrestled with in my life, in secret, I had no strength left to take care of them.

See, it’s when we realize that no amount of struggle can remove the shackles and the burden of this life, that we are able to see who is able to remove the things that bind us. I can twist, turn, but I didn’t put that burden on myself, and I can’t take it off. Like an ox strapped into a yoke, it cannot shake it off, but I am either under the constrains of the yoke of one master or another. The only one who can remove the yoke is the one who owns the ox. If I belong to no one, then I am confined by whatever the yoke catches as I wander. I could be dragging a lot of baggage that I may have tried to avoid, but by with I am found being ensnared. If my master is cruel, I will find little to eat and too much work and little rest and my body being beaten for not accomplishing the most simple of tasks. In all cases, whether I am owned or a wild beast, I have a burden that I carry. In order to remove or lighten the load, I need to be owned, I cannot change the requirements or the load of the burden by myself.

I can’t change others.

If I cannot remove my own burden, clearly I cannot do that for others. I may know how to have the burden removed, I may even see the burden that another is carrying. The only thing I can do, is to help carry the burden if I am yoked to that person. If that person does not have the same owner as myself, it will be a perpetual conflict. If they have no owner, they are going to wander and get entangled in fences, brambles, and maybe travel through waters that are dangerous, without a guide. If their owner pushes them past their capacity, I am forced to help in the never-ending struggle, and I don’t want to serve that master. I cannot convince them to change owners, they have to realize that for themselves. However, I can tell them about another owner who has purchased them, but they will need to call that owner by name and come under his yoke.

Often, there will be those who have decided that they don’t want the yoke of the previous owner and want the yoke of the new owner, but do not understand that the new owner will instill some discipline into the ox, especially if they have been a ‘free’ ox. The free ox will be broken, eventually, or they will die.

The previously free ox may not see the value in work, or in the conditioning of an animal to be the best at their job. They don’t realize that with learning knowledge and training, not only do they become more efficient, but their job becomes easier with training. Again, I cannot convince someone that this is the best path for them, they must decide this for themselves. I cannot convince them that they can change, I can only tell them how following the guidance of the new owner, that the burden is much lighter and easier with knowledge and by following the new owner closely.

I know this, because it’s taken me years to learn it. So when I was faced with

“No, I’m good.”

followed by language that could have been the start of a flame war, I explained my stance, and we mutually came to an agreement that did not dissolve into a stubborn battle.

Now, had this person been a good friend, one in which we had founded upon a good solid foundation, I would have been ready to do some friendly sparring.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17

I know that the gospel, the bible in its entirety is offensive to people, and when I find someone who is excited about the challenges within the Bible, even though what is address may be a difficult thing to do, but desires to do that which the Bible states and wants to be held accountable to the standard (oh we all fall, but its running the race inspite of falling down, it’s getting back up and running towards God even with a bunch of mud and dirt, because ultimately it will be glorious and those who cheer me on as I run and those that I get to cheer on to run, those friendships are the best!) This is the kind of friendship I live for! Where one person says something to another sparked by discussion of the Bible! Sometimes, it can get heated, even a bit on the opposite sides of the spectrum, and even a bit weird, but if a friendship is founded on Christ, that friendship will survive and even thrive with some clashing. I don’t know if you know or not, but sometimes, sparks can fly when iron is being sharpened.

Now, there are times when I’ve discovered that some friends weren’t really friends, or that they weren’t as in love with the Word or the Bible as I am, and I had to realize that they were a previously free ox, or were passing through with a lot of baggage, or belonged to someone else. At those points, I had to drop my iron and let them wander off or stop and explain that if they go to the owner that I know, abide with that owner, that everything will become clear and they can lose their entanglements.

We use the word ‘friend’ very loosely. We exchange the word ‘friend’ for acquaintance frequently. An acquaintance is someone you know socially. Many people at church could be considered acquaintances. We see them briefly for a few hours a week with several other people, often to hear a sermon together. In many cases, many of these people are no different than fellow movie goers. There’s really nothing to connect you with the other person, except that you are in the same room together every week.

An acquaintance is a person you may know by name, you may even know their children, their family, what sort of job they do, where they grew up, where they live, and what sort of hobbies they enjoy. You may invite them over, but only when everything is picked up and put into it’s place. You may enjoy meals together, joke around a bit, and hang out or discuss things you both enjoy. These are acquaintances.

A friend is someone who knows you well and in return, you know them. This is someone who you can invite into your messy home and they will deal with it. This is someone who will help you move heavy furniture, who will go on road trips in a crowded vehicle, with whom you can share a tent for a week in the wilderness, who will go into places that are dangerous and will have your back. This is a person who will help you out when you are down and out, and be excited for you when you are on top of life, and not expect you to share your wealth, but is grateful if you do, and doesn’t want to take advantage of you in either spot. This is a person who will hold your hand when your marriage is shaky, who will continue to root for you even if the season of life they are in is different than yours. They will look for the common ground and continue to be friends on that foundation, not whether or not you are in completely different places and seasons in life.

At one point in my young college age life, I had several months where I had a nice portion of disposable income to throw away on eating out and doing stuff. The group of friends I had, we did a lot of stuff. Part way through, my income drastically changed and I was unable to go out three times a week and drive several hours to larger cities with this group of friends. I explained to my closer friends that I wasn’t able to afford doing all this stuff. I learned that all my friends weren’t truly friends, they were acquaintances. Even some of my closer ‘friends’ abandoned me. They continued to do what they did and were unwilling to additionally spend time outside of all the expensive activities. My finances excluded me, and my acquaintances didn’t care. Had they been friends, they would have found a way to include me in their social time, and I don’t mean by paying my way, I mean in spending time with me. But I couldn’t convince them that I needed to be a part of their social group, and in the end I learned a valuable lesson.

Out of that lesson, I developed a friendship with another person who we couldn’t be more opposites. That friendship has lasted through ups and downs, my lament with the church, and so on. In truth, it was that friend that gave me a tongue lashing for continuing to lament and wallow in church hurt years after I had moved out of the area. I thank God they did, I wouldn’t be where I am today if they hadn’t.

When I’m confronted with the words:

“Nope, I’m good”

in the context of learning and growing as a person, I have to ask myself one question:

Is this person a friend or an acquaintance?

That ultimately decides how I will respond.

——

Apart from the “no, I’m good” acquaintance, and again recently I was reminded that some whom I thought were friends, indeed were not. Our friendship consisted more of me knowing them, but not them knowing me in return, not because I wanted it that way, but because the other person never took the time to want to know me. We spent hours together at church, in bible studies, at young adult services, at choir rehearsals, I knew about when she felt she was supposed to be married on a certain date given to her by God but had to move it because it was her fiancé’s birthday, I helped paint her apartment bedroom a sunflower yellow, went over to her parents house when she graduated from college, gave her gifts, celebrated birthdays, triumphs, etc with her. Again, I was recently reminded, that she didn’t know me. I knew her, but she had not reciprocated in kind in word or deed the entire time I knew her. True friends reciprocate, those that show Christ’s love reciprocate.